Most of us have no problem offering kindness to a friend who’s struggling. But when it comes to ourselves? That’s a whole other story. We tend to be our own harshest critics, replaying mistakes and setting impossible standards for ourselves.
Dr. Kristin Neff, a leading researcher on the topic, describes self-compassion as having three key parts:
1. Self-kindness – This means instead of criticizing yourself, responding with care and encouragement.
2. Common humanity – Struggles are part of being human; this is about knowing that you are not alone.
3. Mindfulness – This means acknowledging your emotions without judgment or getting stuck in them.
Essentially, self-compassion is the idea of treating yourself with the same understanding and patience you’d offer to someone else. It’s not about making excuses or avoiding responsibilities – it’s about recognizing that being human means making mistakes, and that we don’t need to tear ourselves down in the process.
What the Research Says
Self-compassion isn’t just a comforting idea – it has real psychological benefits backed by research. A recent study examined undergraduate students and discovered that those with greater self-compassion reported better mental well-being, including lower levels of anxiety and depression. They also exhibited lower levels of cortisol, which suggests that self-compassion may protect individuals from the adverse effects of stress (Cowand et al., 2024).
There’s also evidence that self-compassion can help with motivation. One study found that individuals who practiced self-compassion after a failure were more likely to try again and improve, compared to those who were more self-critical (Breines & Chen, 2012). In other words, being kind to yourself doesn’t mean settling – it actually helps you to move forward.
How to Be Kinder to Yourself
If self-compassion doesn’t come naturally, that’s okay. Like anything, it takes practice. Here are some simple ways to start:
● Notice your self-talk. Pay attention to how you speak to yourself when things go wrong. Would you say the same to a friend? If not, adjust.
● Acknowledge your emotions—without judgment. Instead of pushing feelings away or dwelling on them, just notice them. Stating,“This is a tough moment” can be a simple way to validate your experience without getting stuck.
● Reframe mistakes as growth opportunities. Instead of saying, “I messed up,” try, “What can I learn from this experience?”
● Use small gestures of self-kindness. Research shows that placing a hand on your heart or pausing to take a breath can lower stress and improve emotional regulation (Neff & Germer, 2013).
At the end of the day, self-compassion isn’t about lowering the bar – it’s about recognizing your own humanity and giving yourself the space to grow. So the next time you catch yourself being self-critical, pause and take a breath. Remind yourself – you’re doing the best you can, and that’s enough.
Julie Miazga
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